"Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of children wedlock.[sic]" --Former Gov. Mike Huckabee
I was 25 years old when it became clear to me that my (now ex) husband didn't have the maturity, desire, or will to fight his severe drug addiction. But it was the night he called me, high as a kite, and threatened to rape and murder me in front of our daughter that my decision was made for me. I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that that's the way women are supposed to be treated, so I became a single mom.
Even so, it was an agonizing decision. Not because of my ex-husband--his addiction and abuse had long since killed any positive emotion I had toward him--but because I was terrified of the prospect of becoming a single mother. Growing up in the Bible Belt, I had been socialized since I was very young that women were incapable of raising a child on their own. Becoming a single mother was not an easy decision to make, even if the alternative meant a lifetime of pain, abuse, misery, and neglect.
There were sacrifices: I dropped out of grad school to take a job working in the State Legislature. Unable to find affordable childcare, my parents and I got up early and made the 4 hour round-trip drive several times a week.
I worked so I didn't have to suckle the government's welfare teat. I sacrificed so that I could provide a good life for her. Of course, I relied heavily on my amazing family. Their support was invaluable, and it has made us extremely close as a family. My daughter has a relationship with them she might not have otherwise had, and my little girl and I are incredibly close. We are survivors, we are strong women, and we did it together.
In the meantime, my ex-husband spent his inheritance, wound up in jail, and high-tailed it back home, 2000 miles away, without so much as kissing his daughter goodbye. Responsibility was not his strong suit; neither was paying his child support. (He has since had his parental rights terminated.)
Life as a single mother was hard, but not because of the sacrifices we made. It was hard because of the judgments.
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| This is a sad image of the poor, unhappy, starving child of a single mother. Bless her heart. |
Others, not so much. One of my fellow grad assistants, upon hearing of my impending divorce, mused, "Oh, that's so sad! A child should never grow up without their father." One of my closest friends (at the time) told me, "I'm a Christian, I don't believe in divorce. You're making a mistake. He's obviously crying out for help. You made vows. That child needs her father."
Heh. I don't know about you, but when your "cry for help" involves threatening rape and murder in front of a toddler, which you blame on the fact you were high as soon as you got out from your 7th stint in rehab, I'd say you're doing it wrong.
You see, in the Bible belt, it's better for a child to have an abusive, manipulative, drug addicted father and a scared, lonely, beaten down mother than it is to have a hardworking, supportive, loving SINGLE mother.
People like Mike Huckabee don't care that my ex-husband was abusive. They don't care that my daughter was an angry, impatient toddler prone to fits of rage which mirrored the temper tantrums her father threw...but suddenly transformed into a sweet, reasonable, loving child with no hint of her former violence once he was out of the picture. All that matters to them is that I CHOSE to become a worthless, stupid, incapable single mother who was going to let my child starve...all the while giving a bad example to every female I came into contact with.
Mike Huckabee's quote was wrong on so many levels. "Most" Single Mothers are NOT everything he claims. A Census report from 2009 found that 80% of custodial single mothers are employed and only 4.3% of ALL single parent families (including single fathers) are recipients of Temporary Aid to Needy Families (TANF).
I think Melissa Harris-Perry, Ph.D., said it best: "These data show that although they are more often poor, most single mothers work despite the obvious difficulties of working while raising children without a spouse. They further show that our government actually does very little to support these women. These moms are hardly cash-sucking drains on national or state economies. Many of these women and their children could use more support, not less."
Huckabee needs to shut his big, uninformed pie-hole. Making the ridiculous assumption that all single mothers are poor, uneducated, and suckling the federal teat is both incorrect and insulting. Single mothers are a favorite whipping-boy of the Christian Right, and this habit of vilifying these women has horrifying consequences.
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| This AWESOME PIC was used w/out Permission (sorry!) from a BadAssFemmes.Blogspot.com post in honor of HER single mother! |
Being a single mother made me a better woman, a better mother, and a better partner. (see post script below) I was socialized my entire life to believe that, as a woman, I couldn't survive without a man, much less provide a good life for my daughter. I proved myself wrong, and I proved the Mike Huckabees of the world wrong. With a lot of sacrifice, a LOT of help from friends and family, I did just fine.
So ladies, they're WRONG. For those of you who have been abandoned by the man who was supposed to help you provide for your child, know that you CAN do it. For those of you who are in horrible situations: You CAN get out. You CAN raise your child on your own. I won't lie, it will be tough, but if you're tough enough to survive pain, misery, addiction, infidelity, and/or abuse, you're tough enough for this!
Today, on International Women's Day, of all days, know that you are strong, you are capable, and you will overcome. You can do this...not in spite of the fact that you're a woman, but BECAUSE you're a woman. You go girl!
Required Reading: Melissa Harris-Perry: Mike Huckabee: Wrong on Single Mothers
Read ACTUAL Census Data Here (instead of relying on a subjective assertion by people like Huckabee): http://www.census.gov/prod/2010pubs/p60-238.pdf
Post Script: A year after my marriage ended, I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart, and I was able to rediscover what it meant to be in a loving relationship of mutual respect--without the addiction, the neglect, the violence. @HarrisonMurray came into our lives and immediately became the father my daughter never had, but that I always wanted for her. She was very young, and has no memory of her biological father. @HarrisonMurray and I will celebrate our marriage anniversary next month, and should be able to afford to finish adoption proceedings sometime this year.
Raising a child with the love and support of a partner is, of course, much easier than doing it alone...but raising a child under violence, neglect, infidelity, anger, and/or addiction is MUCH more difficult than doing it alone. All the time wasted in a bad relationship with a bad partner and a bad parent could be time spent improving yourself, your family, and creating relationships with friends, family, and partners that aren't dysfunctional.
I'm thankful for Glenn and Leanne, my amazing parents who NEVER let me give up or believe that I was not good enough, my loving grandparents Edith and Anthony, my wonderful loving husband Harrison, and my absolutely fantastic daughter. The true joy and wonder of those relationships would never have been fully realized had I chosen NOT to be a single mother.
Versions of this post appear on S.A. Cosgrove's AMAZING blog: Mashrabiyya!
8 comments:
Bravo!!! A beautiful post that took a lot of strength and courage to write. As a single mother who has been "the responsible parent" for most of my child's 13 years, I understand everything you wrote. The judgmental attitudes of many people I've encountered, and those I've seen and heard in the news--like Huckabee--have annoyed me intensely over the years. Many people seem to enjoy assuming that as a single mother I am uneducated, a basket case, was left by my ex-husband, receive assistance from the state, and couldn't have made it on my own without support from family or a boyfriend--all of which are false assumptions. Perhaps they like to assume that because it makes them feel better about themselves. Perhaps they might feel lazy or intimidated if they had to acknowledge the reality--that many of us single mothers manage to work harder, longer and more efficiently in order to provide our children with full and happy lives that include quality time with parents and a healthy family network. That we manage to provide housing, food, safe and qualified daycare, good moral values, health insurance, and all the other things our children need--and amazingly, that our children are well-adjusted, bright, emotionally sound human beings! Frankly, I don't think Huckabee or any of his cronies would last a month if they had to walk in our shoes. And they'd better watch what they say, too--maybe they don't realize that single mothers also VOTE! ;-) Hugs and best wishes to you!! Sis
Wow! Great post. With the exception of a few details this is my exact story. Thank you for posting it! My sons adoption became final in December. It was one of the happiest days of my life. My husband even started a blog about his experiences in becoming a dad to a 4 year old. Our son is now 11, and amazing! Thanks for speaking out for all of us moms that did the right thing and left!
Thank you both. I can't explain how humbled I have been by the reception of my post. It's the most personal column I've ever written, yet somehow I didn't anticipate the way it would affect people personally.
My goal was more geared toward proving Huckabee wrong with the case study of my experience...and given the sacrifices you both have made, plus the millions of other women who have given up even MORE, I'm almost embarrassed for people to think I've done anything out of the ordinary.
You ladies are further proof that being a single mother does not make you a bad person, and that being a woman does not mean that you are incapable of raising well behaved, well adjusted, well fed children.
The right acts as though seeing a successful single mother will make women CHOOSE that lifestyle, when you both know, as I do, that it's ludicrous. No one WANTS this lifestyle. It just HAPPENS and I want women to know that they can do it.
The added side effect of this, I guess, is that I'm able to meet and connect with people like both of you, who identify with some of my story and can further attest to the misery that being a single mom in America (and the Bible belt especially) can bring.
Thank you both for sharing your stories! I cried. Seriously. :)
I chose to do it all from the beginning alone. My ex and I had already broken up, from his abuse of alcohol and inability to grow up on his own without a child, by the time i found out I was pregnant. So, I knew that I had to do it on my own. My son will be 5 next month and his life is well in most ways perfect. Ya he doesn't have siblings because I am just not ready to try to find someone else and because so far we are doing just fine alone. My family has also been an amazing help and I don't even bother to accept or listen to anyone's opinion on the matter of single parenthood at least unless they personally have been there. I have a full time job with benefits and a daycare and my son goes to preschool too. That is pretty much the ideal for anyone who is 4 years old. My son and I are happy and healthy. What more could you want?...
Couldn't have said it better myself. I gave up everything for my son. He graduated cum laude,is now in Culinary School and is the best human being I have had the pleasure to be around. oh and his "dad" got himself killed for the drugs he chose over us. Never took a dime from the government, and am still working my fingers to the bone. Worth every second, my son and I are the better for it.
So well said. Congratulations on what was obviously the best move you could have made!
Good for you, Dan.Eliot. While single mom's get a lion's share of the blame, it's just assumed that single dad's don't exist at all. I'm not sure which is worse. Good luck in the future, and thank you for caring about your child!
Fantastic post to help open some eyes to reality! I have been a single mother since the time my child was 3 months old. It was not what I planned, but it worked out that way because I wasn't going to live my life, nor allow my child's life to be negatively impacted by the things his father chose to do. I am college-educated, have held the same good job for almost 10 years, and have managed to put my child through daycare and into school with very little help from his father. My son is now almost 8, and he has experienced more than many kids his age have. All this and I still manage to put money aside for his college tuition one day. My parents have also played a crucial role in our lives, helping transport him from school, to baseball games, etc., and he is very fortunate to have two great male role models in my dad and brother. I commend anyone - male or female - who is in the single-parent role. You are stronger than most give you credit for!
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